A love lost

I dun feel misunderstood, in fact, i feel unaccepted. Y do i suffer so much? i Just dun get it. The memories keep coming back to me; of us going to clarke quay, sitting by the river looking at the reverse bungee and talking about our dreams. I keep recalling how she would always cry for me when i had to go back to camp. I could also remeber when she would drop by my house even before our date just to walk lucky with me. Y do these memories disappear from her mind so quickly? was i really that bad? Yet, she seek warmth from a guy she liked a long time ago. best part is, she won't pick up my calls or send me smses. I'm seeking closure, or a way back in. Apparently, the way she is now, she wun find happiness. It's not that i don't know her, i know her too well. I just don't get y can things turn sour within such a short time. All i asked for was a second chance, yet all i get was a cold shoulder, not from 1 but 2. How can she just jump into another person's warmth so quickly, like what we had was just mere fabrication. I need her, i still love her. But its not like she'll understand. I know taht if i really love her, i should be able to let her go, for her happiness, for her sake, but when ppl can offer warmth, i the one suffering more receive cold stares and ill treatment. i just wanted a second chance, cos i believe i can make things right.

Regret

I regret doing afew things, i mean lotsa ppl do. In the case of Moonblade, i think i did nothing worth regretting, except maybe making her call herself a slut. I gave my all, and all i got was nothing.

My friends made me realise (actually an unfamiliar person did) that if there were no thanking for the presents/efforts, the gratitude isn't there.

Its tough trying to get back to normal grounds, i'm trying but she seems so far away now.

Damn i feel like screaming my head off, so i scheduled a K session with wy lol.

All the best moonblade, i wish u luck in ur non-existant wanting for a love life.

My life for the past 3 years or so in a nutshell

Life sorta sucks still, sure i've got great company, great friends, great family but no great love.

See, ppl undermine the power of love, they think they can go on without it for long periods of time, even though what they truly want is just an ounce of it. Some become attention-seekers, leading people on with their many facades, and when u get too close, they bite ur head off. Some even put a facade to bite ur head off when they actually want u to be safe.

I'm, what, 20-odd now. Many ask if i'm gay or what, since i'm always hanging out with Ali, wayne yadda, but truth is i just dun wanna open up to girls anymore. Here's my past experiences of '08 - '09.

Sam: This specimen was interesting, had a subtle liking to cosplay and stuff, likes rock music and stuff. Apparently likes a buddy of mine, but that buddy was too stoic to reciprocate his feelings. Doesn't matter, since she ended up with a great guy. Di-Yang, ur the man!

Irritant: hey mysterious girl, i'm talking abt u. Yah, this alleged 16 yo girl gave me a prank call and i was retarded enough to counter harass her. We ended up talking to each other via text. Wow, like text means anything at all. She was fun, but whats love without the sensation of touch.

Moonblade: Protecting her name cos i still do love her. Today i did something stupid, announcing a hiatus because i didn't wanna be ard her anymore. y did i do it? i wanted to catalyst things, but the thing about catalysm is that it goes either really good, or really bad. She's got the sweetest pair of eyes, the allure of those jewels could bedazzle a bat. Her cute little nose that she thinks is big, her pinkish petite lips that i will never forget (no, i've never touch those). Her hair, always smelled of, idunno, shampoo? pheromones? Her skin was always so soft and creamy. Yah, ur prolly thinking damn, this guy is sick, i dun care. Cos she's always protecting what she holds dear to her; her friends, her loved ones, her besties. She craves for attention, sure, who doesn't. But she never lies. I am stupid. I'm dumb, i was too hard up, too desperate, too overwhelming. i was too me. Y did i have to have all things go my way? y must i have to try to twirk nature's course.
Damn, when she called herself a slut, i felt a heartache. I felt responsible for making her feel that way. if only i've come to understand her more, it wouldn't have been like this. If only i've let her have her space, n not smother her, it wouldn't have come to this.

To moonblade: U probably hate me now, i hate myself more than anyone does. I know i dun deserve an ounce of ur respect or forgiveness, and ur gonna avoid me till the end of time, but i wun get over you. Your my only one...

Life is fragile.... so is glass

i want to give my blessings to people who had passed on in the year 2006.

Vince my man, although i didn't really knew u, u made me feel good, since u were twice the size of me. ur sense of humor was impeccable, ur patience that of an iron wall, ur laughter will always be remembered by us.

Mandy, another of my cousin's dog, had also passed on... 15th jan 2007. She was euthanised as her physical condition was deproving. She had cataract in both eyes, a cyst as large as her head, mange, was obese and renal failure. Even if she was alive, she'll be suffering. I remembered how each time i saw her in that sorry plight that i wish i had a brick in my hand and just killed her very instantly...

Although i have always thought that i lead a good life, but occasionally, i'll have pessimistic thoughts that would flash signs of suicide or acts of self mutilation. guess i'm really suffering from depression.

Poly turned out to be a very harsh place to be in. its not like what i thought it was. Sure there were good times, but bad times are outweighing them. i have lost my will to go on... my time has frozen solid, without the warmth of friends, the support of relatives and the kindness of strangers.

As i walk through the streets, looking at each face. though they are faces that smile, but which smile is true and which is not. i feel sadness, emptiness and sorrow within. Must knowledge of emotions be so strong that one can collapse under it?
it seems to me that i'm a coward; afraid to do this, afraid to do that. yet, y do i hate being despised? i feel a need to excel but my body wouldn't respond.
can i gain back what i once lost? can i stop showing ppl the facade i carry ard?
the voice of my heart cries for help... is there anyone willing to salvage me from my plight...


guess not... since in this harsh reality, one must depend on oneself to make it on his own.

well, another occasional post.

Like i mentioned earlier on, i never did like blogging, cos i really am lazy..... but well, since i had coffee at 3am and i can't sleep, might as well kill some time.

lots have happened in these long intervals between posts, so much that i dunno what to write about.

my studies are well, down the drain as i expected it to be, i should put in more effort into it though. oh well, i lost my will to do anything anyway.

as for maple, my choef bandit is doing extensively well, ever since the video i posted, ppl have been bugging me to do the next video. As for my dragon knight, its gotten to lvl 110.

Girls are still out of reach from me.... it seems i still have a long way to go to have any social interaction with gals. well, being timid n shy was an attribute, but now i'm different.
that was a summary of what is going on.

here's the long part...

during the past few months, it was events after events for JCG. it bought me great memories, new friendships forged, new enemies made and cute gal from NYP spotted. anyway, i'm not the type that goes for cutesy or beauty... u guys should know that by now. Anyways, i got turned down by another gal, XL, many of u might not heard of. but still, no matter how much i try to forget, no matter how much i told myself to move on, i just won't. it seems my human heart wants to cling on to nothing.

been mixing around with ppl more, but the weird thing is, the more i got closer, the more i want to withdraw. i'm so full of contradictions, i want ppl to know me, but my actions make me distant myself from them. i dunno what's going on in my mind.

I have been having really weird thoughts lately. like why i should be working harder, and how things are gonna be fine, and y not to cling on to the past. i think these thoughts probably made me more optimistic, yet i'm still pessimistic.

well, may the world shine upon me the rays of tomorrow to see what future beholds me.

to my friends, see u in the future, i'l always be there for u guys, even if u forgot me, u know there's always a huge bear-like man with the name of a whale to call to.

the last straw

I noe its been awhile since i last wrote here. i juz dun like blogging, that's all but today i'm juz gonna pour everything out. I dun care if i do hurt ppl, i dun care if ppl will read this or not, i dun wanna give a FUCK abt ppl anymore cos have u guys given me a FUCK ever since i was alive. Geez, i can't live a day without thinking how the hell am i gonna spend the rest of my life with jus this little friends this little money and y i weigh so much. I may not look good, neither do i have the brains or the friggin goddamn guts to tell ppl my feelings thats y i always appear so sad. I bottle all these things up cos i wanna make the ppl around me happy.

If i am ur fren, dun go ard telling me that i can't solve things or that i'm making it worse. that makes me sound useless. Do u noe that whatever that happens to u guys, i will think that it was my fault? that i could have fixed it?

if u do understand me, dun take a dagger n stab my heart n say' hey, look, its not that sharp'. Saying thigs like i'm not smart, i'm fat, i'm whatever.... those are the little things that i bottle up. u noe accumulatively that hurts. Do u know how many times i actually considered trying to cut myself up. Do u noe how much i wanna look good.

this time, i'm not making it about others. its about me. yes, this is the self-centred wei lee that ppl dun see. i'm the one who punches the walls, i'm the one that ask myself y do i care so much that i dun care abt myself.

Its not like i'm a bad guy, nor am i a saint, i'm oni human. this is no personal attack.

u think u noe me? do u noe that everytime i am angry, i punch walls? no matter how painful it is, i'll still punch the walls. do u noe that i really care how someone judges me no matter how unworthy they are. DO U NOE I EXIST?

i'm already not doing good and there are still ppl who rub salt into my wounds.... its been a long long long time since i frigging told anything abt my personal life, my thoughts, my everything.

when i say i wanna be frens with u, it means forever. it doesn't mean that i'll place u in a corner of my heart n forget abt u, no. that's not me. I'm serious when i say that i'll protect u, i will gladly throw my life away for u. i'm serious when i say i'll help u, but if by helping, i'm doing the wrong thing, then i muz be really bad.

i noe i'm wasting my time typing all this, but i am sure, if i keep this on, i'll explode. when i was typing this post, my fingers were exerting force enough to break eggs, that's ab t how pissed i am per alphabet.

if u do understand me, believe in me. if u do know me, trust me. but if u have neither believe or trust or that trust has faded away, i'm sorry, i'm unworthy to be a friend.

i always wonder if ppl do remember me even if i died, i guess maybe no one will. even after saying so much, i guess, i will always be a loner.......

OMG!!!! Where is my brain?

It's official, i lost my brain. i have no idea what so ever where it disappeared to. Probably up my ass as ali would always say or maybe it just needed a permenant vaction. it seems that no matter what i do nowadays, i just can't think properly. Flunking some test here and there is the proof of it all. Maybe i need to look for it again.... Anyways, life is the same. i'm out of love and in again(hell no, i just think so). My results are gradually decreasing and my popularity is taking a nosedive. I did find some self-confidence and well, it helped me abit.

i have already decided that, since woman are gonna be on the top anyway, i should sit back and relax in the future. U know? like a househusband. Take care of the kids, do the housework and laundry that kinda stuff. It's unfair, that above all, woman has the greatest advantage over man.

i thought of some kinda sexist jokes but please take it lightly.... i said its a friggin' JOKE.

what is a male?
A cross between a dog and a sloth. extremely loyal and extremely lazy.
Will do anything for love(maybe sex too) but doesn't care thereafter(achieving it)

what is a female?
Cross between a cat and a tigeress
will always suck up for something they like, thereafter, they will just ask for more.
Usually walking time-bombs, they holler at any moving thing when in a bad mood.
Gets angry really easily, male counter part to be a punching bag.

Perfect Boyfriend
Does his own cooking, laundry and cleanses himself thoroughly.
Does not ask for anything, will do anything on command.
Will not bother GF until GF wants to be bothered.
just like an andriod

Perfect Girlfriend
Acceptable figure
Does cooking and laundry
will not question BF's decision.
Erm, if i say anymore, i would probably be dead, see ABOVE