the last straw

I noe its been awhile since i last wrote here. i juz dun like blogging, that's all but today i'm juz gonna pour everything out. I dun care if i do hurt ppl, i dun care if ppl will read this or not, i dun wanna give a FUCK abt ppl anymore cos have u guys given me a FUCK ever since i was alive. Geez, i can't live a day without thinking how the hell am i gonna spend the rest of my life with jus this little friends this little money and y i weigh so much. I may not look good, neither do i have the brains or the friggin goddamn guts to tell ppl my feelings thats y i always appear so sad. I bottle all these things up cos i wanna make the ppl around me happy.

If i am ur fren, dun go ard telling me that i can't solve things or that i'm making it worse. that makes me sound useless. Do u noe that whatever that happens to u guys, i will think that it was my fault? that i could have fixed it?

if u do understand me, dun take a dagger n stab my heart n say' hey, look, its not that sharp'. Saying thigs like i'm not smart, i'm fat, i'm whatever.... those are the little things that i bottle up. u noe accumulatively that hurts. Do u know how many times i actually considered trying to cut myself up. Do u noe how much i wanna look good.

this time, i'm not making it about others. its about me. yes, this is the self-centred wei lee that ppl dun see. i'm the one who punches the walls, i'm the one that ask myself y do i care so much that i dun care abt myself.

Its not like i'm a bad guy, nor am i a saint, i'm oni human. this is no personal attack.

u think u noe me? do u noe that everytime i am angry, i punch walls? no matter how painful it is, i'll still punch the walls. do u noe that i really care how someone judges me no matter how unworthy they are. DO U NOE I EXIST?

i'm already not doing good and there are still ppl who rub salt into my wounds.... its been a long long long time since i frigging told anything abt my personal life, my thoughts, my everything.

when i say i wanna be frens with u, it means forever. it doesn't mean that i'll place u in a corner of my heart n forget abt u, no. that's not me. I'm serious when i say that i'll protect u, i will gladly throw my life away for u. i'm serious when i say i'll help u, but if by helping, i'm doing the wrong thing, then i muz be really bad.

i noe i'm wasting my time typing all this, but i am sure, if i keep this on, i'll explode. when i was typing this post, my fingers were exerting force enough to break eggs, that's ab t how pissed i am per alphabet.

if u do understand me, believe in me. if u do know me, trust me. but if u have neither believe or trust or that trust has faded away, i'm sorry, i'm unworthy to be a friend.

i always wonder if ppl do remember me even if i died, i guess maybe no one will. even after saying so much, i guess, i will always be a loner.......